In principle, my initial reaction — my first thought — is very rarely my best thought. Often my first thought is absurd and shows me how not to react. Like first brush strokes on a canvas, first thoughts provide a starting place for more refined thoughts, for subsequent brush strokes. First thoughts, like initial brush strokes, are rarely worth sharing. In fact, sharing first thoughts can be deeply counter-productive to good group decisions. Practical Tip: Just because I think something, doesn’t mean I have to ... (continue)

In principle, if a disagreement is caused by an outside issue that has nothing to do with the group issue at hand, then it must be dealt with outside the group. An outside issue is a disagreement because of, for example, some incident between the parties that happened years ago and was never dealt with, or because of a mental disorder or perhaps an addiction. Or perhaps the conflict is related to a misconception closely held since childhood or an illogical fear. Outside issues are usually ... (continue)

In principle, when we have expectations of others that don’t pan out it often leads to resentment which often brews discontent which often causes conflict. I have heard someone say that expectations are planned resentments. The surest way to avoid resentment is to not have expectations. When I fall into a victim role it’s helpful to remember that I am rarely a victim of others and often I am a victim of my own expectations. Practical Tip: As a participant in group decisions, I try ... (continue)

In principle, the same formality is required to change an agreement as to make an agreement. For instance, if an agreement is made in a group meeting and properly documented, no member of the group should assume that the agreement has changed or act in ways contrary to the agreement until the agreement is changed in a group meeting and properly documented. Group agreements often get ignored over time and people come to think it is okay to behave contrary to what was agreed to. The ... (continue)

In principle, there are at least two ways to solve every problem. When we are able to be nonjudgmental, we are able to see problems not as problems at all but as misalignments. For example, the problem is not that I am right and you are wrong, it is simply that we see things differently. The problem is not that we are spending too much it is simply that we are spending more than we are earning. When we see difficulties as misalignments rather than problems, ... (continue)

In principle, decision-making structure consists of things like rules, agendas, mandates, and plans; when these things frame our choices it frees us to focus on the substance of our work. A third-grade teacher once explained that when she decides where the kids are to sit in the classroom this does not take away their freedom, but actually frees them from the burden of having to decide this for themselves (a potentially large burden for a third grader). It frees them to focus on math, history, ... (continue)

In principle, to make good group decisions we need to hear all perspectives. We need be able to openly disagree with respect and civility. We need to have the courage to speak what’s on our minds and hearts even in the face of opposition. When a group’s culture makes it not okay to voice certain views or when participants feel intimidated about sharing, those suppressed viewpoints don’t go away; they just fester and turn into conflict later. Practical Tip: Help create a group culture that ... (continue)

In principle, the most likely path for a group to be highly productive, happy, and endure over generations is for individuals to put group needs over individual needs. In western culture we receive many messages that encourage us to put self first, the most likely path to short term gain. In a me-first culture individuals prevail but groups, communities, and species die. Good group decisions require an attitude of us over me. Practical Tip: In group decision making, be thoughtful about how a decision affects ... (continue)

In principle, you can get a donkey to move forward in two ways: entice her in front with a carrot or hit her from behind with a stick. Carrots are rewards, incentives, appreciation, and — the most compelling — visions of how things can be better. Sticks are punishments, criticisms, and — the most destructive — defeatism, pessimism, and a sense that things are hopelessly bad. When motivated by sticks we are generally resentful, in pain, and when the stick is gone our motivation disappears. ... (continue)

In principle, Where rules don’t work, relationships take over. Where relationships don’t work, rules take over. Without rules or relationships, there is no civil discourse, no way to make good group decisions. Some people put a lot of stock in relationships, trust that people will do the right thing. Two business partners take a risk together, perhaps even outside the rules or off the map, but they do it because of faith in their relationship. Some people put a lot of stock in rules (defined ... (continue)